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Friday, September 30, 2016

Asshole dog (A fantasy stand-up routine)


(This is something I wrote quite some time ago. I sometimes have fantasies of being a stand-up comic, but the problem is a) I could never be consistently funny enough to pull it off and b) the second I got on stage, I'd probably completely freeze. Anyway, the following is a bit I thought might work in my fantasy stand-up routine).

This is for people who have dogs. 

I think we’ve all had that moment in the middle of the night when your dog wakes up out of a deep sleep, leaps out of your bed (or HIS bed, if you’re one of those owners who doesn’t want your dog in the human bed) and bolts for a window barking madly at something that you, as a human, didn’t notice and can’t identify.

Now, you’d been enjoying a pleasant sleep until the moment your dog started yapping. And you’re tired. And the last thing you want to do is get out of bed to see what the hell the dog is barking at, because you know it’s just a squirrel or a slammed car door or some such thing. 

But if you’re like me, there’s a little part of your brain that says, what if it’s actually something serious? What if my dog is warning me and I’m ignoring the warning. Suddenly, your warped brain imagines the entire family victims of some bizarre Manson family slaying—and it’s all because you ignored the warning of your loyal canine friend.

My dead bloody carcass on the bedroom floor with “pig” or “dumbass” carved in my stomach all because I was too tired to investigate what the source of my loyal furry servant’s manic vocalizations.

So with a healthy dose of neurosis, I scraped myself out of bed to investigate and possibly stave off an intruder.

Got to the hallway outside the bedroom, by which point the dog had stopped and was trotting in the opposite direction BACK to the bedroom.

Asshole dog.